Posts Tagged ‘comedy’

flushing-meadows

In the beginning, dinosaurs defecated all over the earth. Actually, it was probably a few billion years after the beginning, but what’s a few billion years between religious friends? Anyway, it was a tumultuous time. Particularly because the bigger dinosaurs had quite an appetite and consequently, quite a sizeable bowel movement. To put it into context, in today’s terms, we’re talking a turd the size of a Volvo and quite likely just as uncomfortable to find yourself passing.

Fortunately for the world, a cataclysmic event eradicated the problem. Only time will tell if the same type of event will eradicate Volvo’s, but that’s another story. (more…)

Dear Dr. Puffetic,

I took me 5 year old son to a football match the other day and we got to hang with some of our favourite players after the game, which was kinda awesome. But the players didn’t wanna sign autographs and pretty much ignored us both as they smiled for shots with media guys. My boy was pretty upset. He won’t even wear our team’s jersey no more. What do ya reckon I should do?

Regards,
Super Spectator

Dear SS,

Your son has learnt an important lesson about idolizing people who make a negligible contribution to society and his refusal to wear a team jersey should be applauded. He obviously has maturity beyond his years and is developing a robust personality.

Unfortunately, I am much more concerned as to your condition SS, as it appears you have contracted Lazynessistic Boganitis. This condition normally manifests itself in behavior you described. Sufferers will often develop a need to “spectate” at various sports rather than participate in any form of physical activities themselves, often leading to a poor state of physical health, obesity and mental regression. Usually the more extreme cases can be easily identified when the infected individual professes to have an expert knowledge in the strategies of the contest, without having any direct experience in competing. Researchers have also found that sufferers usually develop such an overwhelming interest in on-field players, to the point that they achieve a degree of sexual fulfillment as they watch players run around in body hugging suits and shorts. This confusion about their own sexuality often leads to feelings of guilt and a reluctance to discuss their issue with others. In more serious cases, sufferers have uncontrollable urges to perform illegal behavior such as the after match stalking that you describe.

Frequently, victims will develop such an overwhelming fanaticism for following their chosen “team,” that they will overlook the fact that they have no bearing whatsoever on the outcome of a contest, to the point that they see a “victory” as their own personal achievement. This of course couldn’t be further from the truth. More importantly, as these victories have no consequence in the real world, they simply serve to alienate sufferers such as yourself from more important pursuits such as getting a life and setting a good example for your offspring.

At this advanced stage of your illness, the best advice I can provide is for you to reconnect with your son and provide some more wholesome activities that don’t involve watching performance enhanced substance abusing men run around in shorts that strangulate their testicles as they attempt to role play events from the era of the cave man.

Yours knowingly,
Dr. Puffetic

Money hog
Does that “Earn money from home” heading really still grab people’s attention? I always figured it had about the same impact as an advertisement for receiving vast riches from the King of Nigeria (hopefully enough lucky people have claimed his wealth by now).

Now I don’t mean to offend any of you bloggers out there, you beautiful people you, especially the entrepreneurs who get credits for referring people to online businesses that make income by selling “the way” to people who need a more reliable path to promised riches than a lotto ticket. Actually, offend is exactly what I want to do, but being the polite natured people lover I am, I’ll just give you a respectful toothy grin (that’s a fake smile BTW). YES, I think it’s wrong to pretend to be interested in another person’s blog, just because you want to sell them something.

I mean, as an unpopular blogger, my ego is already deflated more than a tyre on my cobweb riddled “exercise” bike. Consequently, when I get a “like” or a “follow,” I immediately check out the person’s blog to get some more information on my new audience (which is now two people; hope you’re both enjoying this post!). Any who, I can’t help but feel some bloggers are cheapening the experience by saying, “I like you, but for a small fee, would you care to join my religion so you can prevent your descent into the fiery pits of hell or at least become a much better human by increasing your wealth and ability to consume more resources to speed up the rapid decay of our planet.”

Well, reality cheque. Humans are naturally crap. The last thing we need is even more “empowerment.” Just watch the news. Actually, no, don’t, it will depress the hell out of you. But you see, any “improvement,” or “life coaching” is really just like dressing up a Chihuahua in a pink ballerina costume. Sure you’re covering up some of its ugliness, but ultimately, you’ve still got a very very horrible creature that’s really just consuming valuable oxygen and adding excrement to an already overflowing sewage network (assuming you don’t just leave it in a park for people to step on).

Okay, I’m veering onto irresponsible pet ownership now. Sorry, I get easily distracted with my whingevism posts.

So back to business… working from home. How does that work exactly? I mean, how can you possibly get into the right mindset when inside your “home office,” where you have free internet, a big screen TV, movies, a beer fridge, a PlayStation packed with your favourite games and a comfy lounge suite complete with your very own ass groove?

Even in a “proper” office (the one with little cubicles, a sense of despair and stench of defeat), I struggle to be productive. In fact, if I didn’t spend so much time replying to my boss, giving them excuses for my poor performance and why they shouldn’t fire me, I wouldn’t be productive at all. But working from home… my first item of business is to not conduct any business at all, so long as I get paid handsomely for it. Sounds crazy right?!? IT IS CRAZY, DON’T BE SO GULLABLE.

Yes yes, I know. I’m a lazy unmotivated failure who sets a bad example and is a constant drain on society. But despite this, they still fail to see me as a suitable candidate for President? Don’t worry, I don’t get it either.

Anyway, if I was making a point, hopefully I’ve made it by now. Thank you so much for reading, you’re a real trooper. If you’ve got any sales brochures, particularly on “making money fast” or “becoming a better me,” please blog them over, I’ll read anything if you’ll be my blog buddy.

On a break

On a break

Are you a CEO’s secretary? Just chill out, okay!?!

After working in the Customer Annoyance Industry for more years than I care to remember, I’ve found the number one customer I like to annoy is the CEO secretary. Which is not to say I don’t love annoying other customers, it’s just that the CEO secretary is typically an easy win when wanting to inflict irritation.

So you’re a CEO secretary? Ouch! Hopefully you’ll get over it soon. But yes, I understand your boss is a tyrant. Yes, I understand your boss has the biggest pay cheque in the organisation. Yes, I understand your boss is a demanding go getter who wants to “drive the organisation forward.” Yes, it must be painful for you to have a carrot stuck in… okay, we won’t discuss your personal relationships. But since we’ve already established that everyone is very busy and important in your department, there is no need to keep telling me this crap. I will classify your request as “high priority” which, coincidentally, is the same priority everyone else requests. I suspect this is because everyone is doing the “most important job” in the organisation. Not me though, I don’t see my role as an important “job” as such… I’m more of a steering committee.

Allow me to explain. You see, experienced Customer Annoyance Professionals (CAPs) like me, have a low threshold for “demands.” Think of yourself as a kind of terrorist. It is your job to get us to meet a set of unreasonable demands within a specified deadline. But having identified yourself as a terrorist by saying things like “this needs your immediate attention or else!” or “You need to respond to our demands NOW” etc. we are then forced into activating our brick wall protocol, which is “Under no circumstances do we negotiate with a terrorist.”

It’s not that we “can’t” meet your demands. It’s just that we choose not to. This is because firstly, you are being an ass and secondly, it’s bad for business to negotiate with terrorists for reasons that one would hope is abundantly obvious. Maybe a long time ago you were a nice person, maybe you used to feed starving pigeons (rats of the sky) in your lunch break, or supplied drugs to the homeless in your spare time. Frankly, I don’t care. In a CAPs world, we rank equality based on a person’s niceness and other subjective qualities which could be dependent on our prejudices, personal taste, or sexual preferences. Your rank determines the level and quality of service you are likely to receive. Remember the old adage “the squeaky wheel gets the oil?” Well that doesn’t work here. If you squeak, screech or scream, you go to the bottom of the pile, end of story. Think of it as a kind of tough love, an intervention if you will. Essentially we rate your value as a human being. It’s not about salary, rank or importance, it’s just whether you’re being an asshole or a patron saint. Oh and one more thing, we can smell a fraud from a mile away, so don’t try blowing smoke up our rear.

Be aware that CAPs are well versed in their organisational “systems.” Specifically, CAPs have intricate experience in bypassing organisational procedures and protocols in a way that safeguards their backside, while appearing to be performing their role to a high level of efficiency and effectiveness.

So remember, when you’re next calling customer service, remember that we are ranking you, judging you and what you get served is entirely up to you… unless you fail to meet our subjective standards, in which case you’re also screwed. Be nice!

Dear Dr. Puffetic,

I’ve just turned 38 and most of my younger friends are now married with kids and have their own house. Although I’m flat broke, I still want to go out and have fun, meet lots of new people and travel to exotic destinations (I’d like to try space travel!), but my friends are telling me to settle down and find someone special before I miss the boat. What should I do?

Yours truly,
Party Person

Dear PP,

Never mind space travel, you’re high enough already. You are displaying the classic symptoms of an end of life crisis which is obviously exacerbated by a condition that we medical professionals refer to as EASY (Erroneous Anonymous Sexual Yuckiness). It is highly likely that you are reaching the final stage of the illness where you regress into un-datable syndrome, which unfortunately brings you to the end of a useful existence. The rapid and advanced aging process you have experienced is most likely due to your indulgence in illicit drugs and debauchery. The main reason you haven’t noticed this is because of your short attention span. Now I haven’t finished yet, so pay attention.

Unfortunately, although your friends have correctly assessed your condition, their proposal of settling down with a life long mortgage and a couple of delinquent children to squabble over your meagre possessions after you die of boredom is somewhat misguided. To be frank, the only possibility of you being committed to something, is if you are sentenced to a mental institution, which shouldn’t be ruled out.

Critically, you are now beyond society’s useful age and so your only option at this stage is to select an appropriate retirement village and wait out the inevitable. The inevitable of course being that this “aged” environment will enable you seek and pick up a rich person on their death bed, thus allowing you to pursue your chosen lifestyle with more vigour once you pay your respects and cash in the inheritance.

Yours knowingly,
Dr Puffetic

Do you or a friend suffer from EASY? Tell us your experience by commenting below.

Dear Dr. Puffetic,

Having recently taken up a position into middle management, I find myself alienated from my co-workers. In some cases, I am actually experiencing a large amount of resentment, which is from people who I still think of as close friends. I have explained to everyone that I am still the same person and that just because I am now their manager and on a bigger salary, doesn’t mean I am not approachable and can’t continue the same relationships that we always had. But I can’t seem to make them see reason. How can I be their friend again?

Yours truly,
Lonely Supervisor

Dear LS,

It would appear you are suffering from Alienated Supervisor Syndrome, which you’ll be comforted to know is quite a common condition amongst managers and supervisors. Sufferers of this condition often believe it is the non-managerial staff who contract this serious illness, however this is just part of their own affliction and one of the common symptoms is believing that everyone else has the problem. This unfortunate condition is the result of a physical change to the manager’s neural pathways that compels them to believe that they are superior. Unfortunately, the result of this change is that you become somewhat less intelligent, as previous information centers in your brain cease to operate. This in turn negates the Manager’s mental capacity to perceive their own stupidity, which Scientists have attributed to an evolutionary regression that is necessary to perform the new role. Interestingly, sufferers of this illness also have a much higher mortality rate than other humans in their age group.

Until better smart drugs can be developed, sufferers such as yourself can only recover from this ASS condition by resigning from your untenable position and focus on becoming a team player.

Yours knowingly,
Dr. Puffetic

Do you or a friend suffer from ASS? Let us know by commenting below.