Archive for the ‘Whingevism’ Category

norm tank

Ever since I was engaged as a slave to “the man” I have been required to wear a uniform to work. When I say “required,” I mean it’s optional and when I say slave, I mean that I let my manager believe that it has some control over my daily activities. (more…)


Okay, I’m going to come right out and say it. I’m a cyclist. That’s right, I’m a fucking maniac. I did say cyclist and not terrorist, although I believe the difference is only slight. Every day, I jump on my suicide machine and let people who obviously found their driver’s licence in a breakfast cereal box, “share” the road with me.

Let me explain “share”, it’s an interesting concept for your average Melbourne motorist. Picture a normal 3 year old who notices someone handle any one of their million toys.

“Waaaaaaaah… MINE!” *snatch*

Now if you take that 3 year old and fast forward 15+ years, they’re now behind the wheel of that toy… now a two tonne death machine.. only their mental capacity remains the same.

“Waaaaaah… THAT ROAD IS MINE!” *honk* *bash* *bird*

In establishing why cyclists are endangered species, my interviews with motorists have revealed a common theme. “I pay my fucking taxes, therefore this is my road, you shouldn’t be here… fuck you.” (more…)



Let’s face it, in most offices, mental instability is a prerequisite. Everywhere you look, people are sitting around, getting screwed over and politely smiling about it. It’s not the classic “kill all humans” type of crazy, but it’s not far off. Of course, this demeanour of defeat is fully justified since if we don’t do as we’re told, we get fired and die as a hobo. “But you can always get another job!” I hear you say. God I hate optimists like you. NO… most of these people are practically unemployable. Years of laying low, also means years without training in positions that would be otherwise redundant if management were forced to investigate why you weren’t smiling politely. (more…)


In the beginning, dinosaurs defecated all over the earth. Actually, it was probably a few billion years after the beginning, but what’s a few billion years between religious friends? Anyway, it was a tumultuous time. Particularly because the bigger dinosaurs had quite an appetite and consequently, quite a sizeable bowel movement. To put it into context, in today’s terms, we’re talking a turd the size of a Volvo and quite likely just as uncomfortable to find yourself passing.

Fortunately for the world, a cataclysmic event eradicated the problem. Only time will tell if the same type of event will eradicate Volvo’s, but that’s another story. (more…)

Apparently there are two kinds of people in the world at the moment. People who like to Poke-a-man and those that want to slap people that like to Poke-a-man. I’m in the latter group.

Having grown up in the era when “the net” was something a family used to fish for dinner, I admit I’m not entirely switched on when it comes to uploading my contact lenses to an eye-Cloud. I really don’t want to know why people put photos on Pee-interest, I like my cookies in hurtful reality and I most certainly have no intention of poking a man.

When a kid explained the new craze to me, I lost that last little bit of hope I had for humanity, then promptly smacked him with my walking stick. His explanation went something like… he collects virtual candy and stardust so he can accumulate poke-a-mans that he can only see when he looks through his phone or when he is high on cocaine. There was no ultimate goal as such, it was just kind of a way of using up free time until he dies or loses his internet connection, which is apparently the same thing.

I can only relate it to my long dead friends who used to collect baseball and football cards. You know the cards, the glossy smiling moustache wearing sexy athletic Joe “Smack-em” Smith, complete with stats including his 546 successful tackles and 35 sexual harassment lawsuits in 1986. Retired in 1987 with a score of 12 STDs and a healthy addiction for strawberry shortcake dolls. (more…)


Now what I’m about to say might offend people *fingers crossed*. So I’ll start with this disclaimer. I love animals. Take cows for example. I love the silly colours they come in, I like their cute vocal “moo,” I like the way they scare easily and I especially love the way they smell on a BBQ and that delicious taste in my mouth. I guess a lot of cute furry animals could come under the above description. However, recently I came across a “hunter” who preceded to tell me about his latest “kill.” Clearly, this guy was off his freaking rocker. (more…)


I know the title “What’s wrong with people” is a little bit vague, a little bit generic, but it’s a common theme and question to daily living. In fact, I’d like to see everyone do a piece on this topic, just so we can start a decent sized catalogue on the flaws of the human race. Now I’ve thought carefully about this, because I understand I needed to phrase this in a way that won’t offend anyone, in a way that won’t alienate my two followers (no, I’m not counting the Feds, who are tracking my every movement). So here it is… people are shit. I know, I know, that means I’m shit, you’re shit, that guy that just saved the kitty from the tree, yep, he’s especially shit. Now it’s not that I’ve lost faith in humanity, it’s just that I never had any in the first place. (more…)

It’s not often I attack my end of the organisational chain, however we have an employee in my department who is well and truly in crazy town. He believes it is the role of the company to ensure the following:
· He never gets stressed
· His performance is never evaluated
· He can take leave at short notice, for as long as he likes, whenever he likes
· His team is kept over staffed to ensure he is NEVER over worked

Now I know what you’re thinking, this inspiring employee is me. Well, as much as I like to take credit for raging against the machine, in this case it’s not me. While in principal, I do advocate for general shenanigans in the workplace, I feel that corporate quit stayers should only wreak havoc in a covert manner. This is both for self preservation and for the sake of my fake professional exterior.

Team workIn the workplace, I am on the constant receiving end of communications commencing with the word “Team.” There seems to be a misconception amongst organisational managers and supervisors that language used to motivate a football club, somehow transfers to the office. Let me be clear about this, it does NOT. It especially does not apply to saboteurs such as myself, whose primary function in the office is to thwart the actions performed by the manager of the day.

According to Dr. Google, a team is defined as “two or more draft animals that work together to pull something.” So you can see right there, the term cannot possibly relate to anything going on in the office, or at least, anything that “should” be going on in the office. I guess there is the odd exception, like the annual drunken xmas party that doesn’t have any respect for animal rights, but I’m not going to dignify that kind of activity by writing about it on a fine upstanding blog like this one. I’m not even curious as to why a group of people might have a team of draft animals in their office or indeed interested in the logistics in getting a draft horse into a service elevator. Although I guess it’s easier if your office is on a ground floor. (more…)

Bad blogs
No… no they won’t. I’m not going to tell you how to write a successful blog, because as it should be patently obvious already, I have no idea what constitutes a successful blog. Like the vast majority of bloggers, I have a big enough audience of voices in my head not to worry about how many people I am “reaching out” to in the blogosphere. (more…)