Archive for the ‘Society Against Recognising Achievements’ Category

karatekid

As a kid in school, I learnt early on that my skills as a class clown didn’t translate to “The Colosseum” (the football oval behind the shelter sheds, the usual choice of venue for school fights).  While I was quick with smart ass retorts, I wasn’t so quick with my right hook. For some reason, the average bully was more interested in punching my face than entering a verbal jousting match in responding to my suggestion that they explore their inner feelings of abandonment and confusion over their sexuality, in a public forum. (more…)

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Stuporman
There’s no such thing as a “Super Human.” Well… there are super annoying humans, super stupid humans, but when you put it into the Marvel Comics domain, it’s just fiction.

Okay, so occasionally we see a story about how this guy called “Steve” lifts a 2 tonne car off his accident prone Grandma because he didn’t want to collect the inheritance early… and how a team of oxen couldn’t lift the same car two days later. BUT, Steve is going to have back problems for the rest of his life… and his Grandma hadn’t just been losing her marbles, she had also been spending a lot of time down at the casino. By the time Ole’ Grandma is sent to greener pastures, Steve’s inheritance was blown in her 1000 dollar a week gambling addiction, mixed with her expensive meds for arthritis, emphysema, high blood pressure and “very fit gardening contractors.” So Steve isn’t getting a red cent for his trouble and his initial claim to Super Human has now degraded to: poor judge of character. (more…)

I aint afraid of no ghost

I aint afraid of no ghost


After a recent fit of senselessness, I started visiting a gym to try and ward off “weak as a kitten syndrome.” While it didn’t work, I did find that gyms are fascinating places. When I say fascinating, I mean horrid dens of oppression, full of self-loathing creatures desperate to recapture their youth or at least try to rebuild imperfection. Oh, but gymsters come in other forms too, not everyone is attempting to appease their guilt without attracting undue attention to themselves. Some are just outright exhibitionists or apparently drunk on their own magnificence. In my busy gym sessions, I’ve managed to stay productive through categorising my fellow gymsters, so here’s what I’ve spotted so far.
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This year, it is my resolution to be not so shit.

Ladies and Gentlemen, distinguished guests, my fellow citizens. I thank you all for coming tonight, so that I can explain to you my vision for the future. By the end of tonight, I’m sure you will be left with no doubt that a vote for me will be of great consequence to myself.

Looking at my opponents currently in office, I can see that there are several things… qualities if you will… that you, the voters look for when selecting a leader. I don’t pretend to deliberately represent any constituent’s views, I am human, and look out for number 1 and those important to me. If by chance our views are aligned, then you will be sure to benefit from other people’s sacrifices. For example my view on a salary is simple, I am willing to except a large tax payer funded salary in exchange for generously lending a deaf ear to your never ending concerns. So why would I pretend to listen to you, when so many other politicians refuse? Common courtesy! I understand that you don’t expect anything to change, but I also understand that you require a central whinging point. Let me be that whinging post for you all.

So yes, honesty, is the first quality I possess, and this is a quality that can only be matched by the standard of my lies.

But I am a complex person, and I wouldn’t be content with just offering you the truth, I also give you my undertaking to be responsive. I will change with the times. If there is a crisis endangering my leadership, then I will act immediately to distance myself from it’s cause, and protect the status quo. If things are looking grim for our economy, I won’t wait for endless “reports” that take years for bureaucrats to produce. I will take immediate and decisive action on the best way to handle any situation. If that means making rash decisions on insufficient information, then I’m your man!

It is an all too common occurrence to see my peers being exposed for carrying out dodgy deals with shady characters, and then being exposed by the palms that were not adequately greased. My peers lack of attention to detail further illustrates their inability to lead this society. I swear to use my conniving nature to refrain from conducting any such dodgy business above board. Any dirty deals or kickbacks will be concealed from the public eye, and I promise to make sure any whistleblower either has a well greased palm, or is permanently gagged. This is your assurance that you will never be embarrassed by any questionable deeds.

I am a yes man, I tell people what they want to hear. I will always seek to encourage those that like the sound of their own voices, to speak until their heart is content. My absence in any discussion forum is evidence of the serious mind I take in maintaining a focus on what I know is fair and just.

When making promises, I can guarantee that they will be vague, and leave sufficient scope and scapegoats to back pedal, should the need arise, thus never calling into question my integrity. You will be able to look up to my office and know that the image I exude is fitting of a superior that represents what makes our country great. For I love this country and all it has to offer and as a person generally ready to take up good offers, I am ready for more of them.

So if there is any doubt in your mind, then it is surely misguided and ill informed. I am your man. A vote for me, is a vote for my future, and your future piece of mindlessness.

Thank you all.

Awards are given out like candy these days and it’s time to put a stop to it.

Words like “Extraordinary”, “Outstanding”, “Most Improved”, “Best and Fairest” are just tired labels for nerds, fluke artists, people with too much time on their hands and people in the right place at the right time. Many of these labels and awards are things that we had to invent to make high achievers feel important. In reality, “achievements” are tokens dished out by groups and organisations that can’t afford to pay cash settlements for idiots that did more than they should have. These people cause problems for the rest of society, who have worked damn hard to ensure a low level of expectation. People who accept awards like an over excited dictator test firing long range missiles, need to get over themselves.

We don’t need leaders, we don’t need heroes, we don’t want anyone to look up to, just do your damned job, mind your manners, and pay your friggin’ taxes like everyone else. If you think you are particularly good at something, show some restraint and leave your over inflated ego in the bloody closet where it belongs.

If you still want recognition, go and jump off the highest building you can find, then a few of your friends and family will throw you a funeral, toast your death, then get back to living our more important lives.

So in conclusion, if you made a significant achievement, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. We don’t care.

The award nominations are…..

… just an exercise in nurturing people’s egos