Archive for the ‘Medical Advisor: Dear Dr Puffetic’ Category

Dear Dr. Puffetic,

I took me 5 year old son to a football match the other day and we got to hang with some of our favourite players after the game, which was kinda awesome. But the players didn’t wanna sign autographs and pretty much ignored us both as they smiled for shots with media guys. My boy was pretty upset. He won’t even wear our team’s jersey no more. What do ya reckon I should do?

Regards,
Super Spectator

Dear SS,

Your son has learnt an important lesson about idolizing people who make a negligible contribution to society and his refusal to wear a team jersey should be applauded. He obviously has maturity beyond his years and is developing a robust personality.

Unfortunately, I am much more concerned as to your condition SS, as it appears you have contracted Lazynessistic Boganitis. This condition normally manifests itself in behavior you described. Sufferers will often develop a need to “spectate” at various sports rather than participate in any form of physical activities themselves, often leading to a poor state of physical health, obesity and mental regression. Usually the more extreme cases can be easily identified when the infected individual professes to have an expert knowledge in the strategies of the contest, without having any direct experience in competing. Researchers have also found that sufferers usually develop such an overwhelming interest in on-field players, to the point that they achieve a degree of sexual fulfillment as they watch players run around in body hugging suits and shorts. This confusion about their own sexuality often leads to feelings of guilt and a reluctance to discuss their issue with others. In more serious cases, sufferers have uncontrollable urges to perform illegal behavior such as the after match stalking that you describe.

Frequently, victims will develop such an overwhelming fanaticism for following their chosen “team,” that they will overlook the fact that they have no bearing whatsoever on the outcome of a contest, to the point that they see a “victory” as their own personal achievement. This of course couldn’t be further from the truth. More importantly, as these victories have no consequence in the real world, they simply serve to alienate sufferers such as yourself from more important pursuits such as getting a life and setting a good example for your offspring.

At this advanced stage of your illness, the best advice I can provide is for you to reconnect with your son and provide some more wholesome activities that don’t involve watching performance enhanced substance abusing men run around in shorts that strangulate their testicles as they attempt to role play events from the era of the cave man.

Yours knowingly,
Dr. Puffetic

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Dear Dr. Puffetic,

I’ve just turned 38 and most of my younger friends are now married with kids and have their own house. Although I’m flat broke, I still want to go out and have fun, meet lots of new people and travel to exotic destinations (I’d like to try space travel!), but my friends are telling me to settle down and find someone special before I miss the boat. What should I do?

Yours truly,
Party Person

Dear PP,

Never mind space travel, you’re high enough already. You are displaying the classic symptoms of an end of life crisis which is obviously exacerbated by a condition that we medical professionals refer to as EASY (Erroneous Anonymous Sexual Yuckiness). It is highly likely that you are reaching the final stage of the illness where you regress into un-datable syndrome, which unfortunately brings you to the end of a useful existence. The rapid and advanced aging process you have experienced is most likely due to your indulgence in illicit drugs and debauchery. The main reason you haven’t noticed this is because of your short attention span. Now I haven’t finished yet, so pay attention.

Unfortunately, although your friends have correctly assessed your condition, their proposal of settling down with a life long mortgage and a couple of delinquent children to squabble over your meagre possessions after you die of boredom is somewhat misguided. To be frank, the only possibility of you being committed to something, is if you are sentenced to a mental institution, which shouldn’t be ruled out.

Critically, you are now beyond society’s useful age and so your only option at this stage is to select an appropriate retirement village and wait out the inevitable. The inevitable of course being that this “aged” environment will enable you seek and pick up a rich person on their death bed, thus allowing you to pursue your chosen lifestyle with more vigour once you pay your respects and cash in the inheritance.

Yours knowingly,
Dr Puffetic

Do you or a friend suffer from EASY? Tell us your experience by commenting below.

Dear Dr. Puffetic,

Having recently taken up a position into middle management, I find myself alienated from my co-workers. In some cases, I am actually experiencing a large amount of resentment, which is from people who I still think of as close friends. I have explained to everyone that I am still the same person and that just because I am now their manager and on a bigger salary, doesn’t mean I am not approachable and can’t continue the same relationships that we always had. But I can’t seem to make them see reason. How can I be their friend again?

Yours truly,
Lonely Supervisor

Dear LS,

It would appear you are suffering from Alienated Supervisor Syndrome, which you’ll be comforted to know is quite a common condition amongst managers and supervisors. Sufferers of this condition often believe it is the non-managerial staff who contract this serious illness, however this is just part of their own affliction and one of the common symptoms is believing that everyone else has the problem. This unfortunate condition is the result of a physical change to the manager’s neural pathways that compels them to believe that they are superior. Unfortunately, the result of this change is that you become somewhat less intelligent, as previous information centers in your brain cease to operate. This in turn negates the Manager’s mental capacity to perceive their own stupidity, which Scientists have attributed to an evolutionary regression that is necessary to perform the new role. Interestingly, sufferers of this illness also have a much higher mortality rate than other humans in their age group.

Until better smart drugs can be developed, sufferers such as yourself can only recover from this ASS condition by resigning from your untenable position and focus on becoming a team player.

Yours knowingly,
Dr. Puffetic

Do you or a friend suffer from ASS? Let us know by commenting below.