Archive for the ‘Conspiracy Theories’ Category

Being an expert in everything, I often get asked questions on general health.  Originally I assumed it was because I was a tower of fitness and picture of good health, but upon reflection (in a mirror), I now believe this is simply because some people really don’t have a clue in the world.
So after a recent discussion with a colleague, I commented that I only drank when thirsty and only smoked when I was on fire.  Their response was, “Man…. I need to cut down on drinking and smoking… I just don’t know how to do it.   What is your secret?”
Given the fragile mental state of this person and the fact that they were asking me a desperately serious question, I felt obliged to give my response due consideration.  After 2 seconds, I formulated an appropriate solution to the world problem of alcoholism and smoking.  My recommendation was that he increase the duration and frequency of his habits.  Furthermore, I advised that he needed to immediately switch from cigarettes to Cuban cigars and ditch boutique beer for pure vodka. <!–more–>
Now on the surface, it would appear that I am ignoring the cash cow Dr. Phil slogan, “you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.”  But since my colleague actually likes to drink and smoke, the actual crux of the issue is not one of acknowledgement, but actually why he considers there is a need to change.
Being a victim of mixed messages, he was misled to believe that his choice of addictive drugs and associated disease was an undesirable choice in comparison to a more healthy lifestyle.  I explained to him that essentially he was buying into a marketing exercise run by a non-hidden government agenda.  This was getting in the way of his REAL ambition, to live like a Marlborough Man.  Under the guise of a “health initiative,” the government banned cigarette advertising to stop people believing that they were essentially sexy young go getters, so long as they are pissed and puffing nicotine. Yes, I know, it’s an outrage.  So my unfortunate colleague apparently had no idea that increasing his intake of addictive substances, was actually going to make him more likely to have a good sun tan, athletically superior, have a babe hanging off each limb and an all round amazing individual.
So essentially, our impressionable weak minded citizens are now receiving messages that a long boring life is better than a disease ridden dopamine enhanced shorter one.  This is of course a value judgement.  Yes there is scientific evidence that proves smoking and drinking harms your health, but that data fails to take into account the viable “live hard, die young” preference.  When people take up smoking, they have already made the choice that they agree to suffer, it’s now just a matter of speeding up the process before they become a long term burden on our health system as they age.  It works for all kind of issues.  Got a cholesterol problem and hard arteries because of your addiction to deep fried everything?  Run a marathon.  Like speeding cars?  Stand in the middle of a freeway.  Don’t believe in gun control? Give your 2 year old a sub machine gun and ask them to shoot an apple off your head.  Anxious to find out if you’re going to get liver disease or cancer?  Remove doubt, smoke and drink more often!
Most of the time, people only begin to have doubts about their addiction because they begin confusing aging with the harm caused by addictive substances and sometimes because of their frequent admissions to emergency wards.  This is not a time to analyse foolish choices, but a time to abandon fear and embrace your right to live intoxicated, then die.
Everyone knows quitting is hard and let’s face it, if something is difficult, then it probably isn’t worth doing.  Take for instance eliminating your boss.  You’ve identified that they are incompetent and are standing in the way of your career.  Yet when you explore the intricate details of murder by paperclip, disposing of an overweight body through a paper shredder, removing nasty carpet stains and coping with lengthy periods of incarceration with people more mentally disturbed than yourself, you start to realise that deep down, it’s just easier to take a pay cheque.  In fact, it’s much more productive to just continue encouraging other staff to reach the breaking point where they go postal on your senior management structure.  Comments like “Hey Bob, I heard through the grapevine that the boss indicated that you are under performing, ugly and that he thinks your wife is rubbish in bed.  I wouldn’t take that if I were you,” are great for distancing yourself from your own bad choices.
Anyway, back to quitting.  Drugs of dependence are designed in a way to make sure the user really feels the need to continue subsidising multi-national companies. Ideally, these companies don’t want their customers to die, however death rates are more than offset by their ever expanding markets.  While consumers of these products rightly tend to trust these companies products conform to standards, they tend to overlook that these standards actually permit the consumption of chemicals that will eventually cause death.  Legislation is not protecting you, it’s ensuring your painful death is a slower process.
This leads me to explore the link between ethics and profit.  Well, after much analysis, it appears to be an inverse relationship.  Companies selling addictive substances are similar to a church who wants to protect a paedophile.  They both know something nasty is happening to their customers, it’s just that the cost of providing compensation is not really affecting their business model.  They believe that screwing people over is just another valuable service on offer, so as a cashed up spiritually empty consumer, why wouldn’t you want to hand them over your money?  I guess their organisational conclusion is that cigarettes and paedophiles are not damaging people’s health in any serious way.  So what I’m actually saying is, if you want to screw over our children, you should smoke big fat cigars and drink vodka.  I hope that clears everything up.


Apparently there are a lot of people going around lately professing that their god has explicitly instructed them to strike fear into the heart of infidels. While this is nothing new in human history, you would have hoped that in this day and age promoting your beliefs would come through persuasive argument rather than the old “join me or die” mentality.

Unfortunately, religious nutcases relying on medieval concepts to integrate with modern society, still feel “blow shit up” is a constructive method of community engagement with the added benefit of appeasing their vengeful gods. As far as I can tell, they mainly have a beef with people who don’t fit their definition of the ideal human, which happens to exclude anyone that has an ounce of common sense.

Their religious definition goes something like this…
Ideal Human: fucking nut who uses threats of physical harm or death to encourage other humans to join in the lewd behaviour and worship an invisible entity who provides them with immunity from judgment over immoral conduct, while promising sex and riches after followers have a glorious death whilst committing gross acts of violence.” (more…)

Quite keg time
Don’t get me wrong here, I love a beer. Some of my best insults and most thought provoking retorts have come after downing a stubby or five. Like the day someone called me an idiot while I was drunk and I said “You… wewf… aft…*burp*!” Yep, they had no comeback for that one. Check mate!

But I find myself constantly revisiting this old beer advertising slogan, “A hard earned thirst means a big cold beer.” Now I don’t think I’ve ever had a “hard earned thirst.” Going by the footage in the ads, most of the time you will only develop this intensity of thirst if you are doing something energetic, like say, wrestling a crocodile, digging for uranium with your bare hands, or scaling a mountain of lava. Since I’m basically lazy, I consequently only get a low earned thirst. But these days, now that I’m a wise and a mature adult, if I’m dehydrated, I’m under the impression that a nice glass of water, maybe even some electrolytes (aren’t they found in car batteries?) is the way to go. (more…)