Newsflash: Office Workers are mental

Posted: January 14, 2017 in Whingevism
Tags: , , , , , ,



Let’s face it, in most offices, mental instability is a prerequisite. Everywhere you look, people are sitting around, getting screwed over and politely smiling about it. It’s not the classic “kill all humans” type of crazy, but it’s not far off. Of course, this demeanour of defeat is fully justified since if we don’t do as we’re told, we get fired and die as a hobo. “But you can always get another job!” I hear you say. God I hate optimists like you. NO… most of these people are practically unemployable. Years of laying low, also means years without training in positions that would be otherwise redundant if management were forced to investigate why you weren’t smiling politely.

Often the result is you’re not quite sure if your mental stress headaches are from ignoring your inner desire to silence your bosses persistent squealing, or if it’s the arsenic your colleague is putting in the no-name brand instant coffee that is intended for the boss, but is available to anyone who dares to take a break. Of course, you’re not going to go to the doctor to confirm you are being poisoned, because like a good thriller, you prefer the suspense.

But an unusual opportunity arose at work this week. A trained professional, let’s call him Doc Freud, who specialises in identifying and treating those with what is clinically known as “fucking nuts syndrome” performed a one off session.

Now a “one off” session is cause for alarm in itself. Believe me, there is no one in my office that can be cured in one session, unless that involves some kind of lethal injection. To be cost effective, we could just give the boss the lethal injection, then save all the interviews and group hugs… but they are trying for the more useless and tick the box approach.

Under the guise of “wellness” this Doctor of Doofus was charged with helping staff come to terms with their burning desire to disembowel the entire management team using rusted razor blades, in a safe manner (that is part of our OH&S requirements).
Now immediately I have a problem. What is more therapeutic than hacking your management team to pieces? Seriously, are breathing exercises and mindfulness techniques more mentally rewarding than putting your boss in a decent choke hold… “Boss, I want you to hold your breath while I press your wind pipe… now I just want you to hold your breath while I count to 50,000”? Sure it sounds extreme, but even according to Doc Freud, exercise is important for mental health.

Anyway, back to the shrink. He puts some circles on the whiteboard and says “this is you here, in the middle circle. This is your circle of control, this is your area of influence! If you try to control things outside of that circle, you will likely become stressed and overwhelmed.”

So after some detailed brain storming, the group came up with the following.


“Yes, well basically, you’re all fucked. Keep quiet and smile politely.”

  1. One of my favorite words is “hobo”, just sayin’.

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