Flushing meadows – the workplace lavatory

Posted: October 1, 2016 in Whingevism
Tags: , , , , , ,


In the beginning, dinosaurs defecated all over the earth. Actually, it was probably a few billion years after the beginning, but what’s a few billion years between religious friends? Anyway, it was a tumultuous time. Particularly because the bigger dinosaurs had quite an appetite and consequently, quite a sizeable bowel movement. To put it into context, in today’s terms, we’re talking a turd the size of a Volvo and quite likely just as uncomfortable to find yourself passing.

Fortunately for the world, a cataclysmic event eradicated the problem. Only time will tell if the same type of event will eradicate Volvo’s, but that’s another story.

So with the dinosaurs gone, it was time for a new era. I can’t be bothered going through evolution, so let’s fast forward to cave men. They were a hearty breed. They lived off the land and their tablets of the day could only do one screen refresh in the devices entire life cycle. Back then, fast food actually made a guy more fit and girls instantly knew what you meant by a simple “grmphh!” (Loosely translated: “Honey, how about some food and sex. Don’t worry about feeding the cat (tiger), I left your mother out.”)

During this time, man was one with his environment. He lived off the land. If he needed meat, he hunted it. If he needed water, he waited for it to rain. If he needed a beer, he invented it. If he needed professional counselling for a traumatic event he experienced when he was bullied as a young cave boy, requiring him to explore his inner self and manage his feelings of sexual inadequacy, he slaughtered a lion… or if that was not available, a Meerkat.

Anyone that has ever been camping will be able to relate to what it was like being a cave man. Sure our equipment is far superior now, but we still need to use those primitive skills when we move out of a mobile network area or have to flee after accidentally setting fire to the forest when our fire pit kinda exploded. But that’s what is important here, the forest, our environment… it’s ours to desecrate. Depending on the wind conditions, we can take a dump on any scenic area we choose. The world is our toilet.

This brings me to my work place and obviously when I use the term “work,” I mean do as little as possible to match the pathetic excuse for a pay cheque.

Any who, in my office, we have a separate area called the lavatory or bathroom. Now for most people, I don’t have to explain what this area is used for; but if you’re not one of those people, it’s for relieving yourself and things like gossip, private meetings and unsanitary sex. Some of my esteemed colleagues however, are not using the area as intended. Despite the fact that this room is completely devoid of any plant life, for some reason, they are treating it as their own personal forest and reverting to their prehistoric roots.

Now why these fuckers are “marking their territory” by urinating all over the toilet seats, floor and walls I just don’t know. Is there some reason why a piece of used toilet paper misses the target EVERY… SINGLE…. TIME? I mean, the guys here think they can nail a 3 point basketball shot from 50 metres, but can’t make a point blank toilet shot. Worse still, how is it that they can’t even avoid shitting on the seat? I mean, are they straddling the cubical wall and trying to take a dump into the bowl from 6 feet in the air? Let me assure my colleagues, this is not how a respectable stunt man successfully kick started their career, by baring their arse on a high platform and letting nature take the wrong course.

Then these clowns walk out of their personal forest, smiling politely, pretending as if they passed potty training as a toddler. At that point, you catch a whiff of their cover up… that unshowered coat yourself in thrift store deodorant and aftershave bottled from the overflow pipe of a garbage truck smell. Then the next unsuspecting staff member, usually me, walks in to… well, let’s call it what it is, a shit storm.

Well I’m tired of it, which is why today I’m making a stand by writing about it on this anonymous blog, so that no one can take a long hard look at themselves. Wait, what’s that smell? THAT DOES IT, I’m not using the toilet today… this is gunna hurt.

  1. Haha. What a shitty situation.

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