Self Defence – Misplaced Optimism

Posted: December 30, 2015 in Motivational Musings, Society Against Recognising Achievements
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As a kid in school, I learnt early on that my skills as a class clown didn’t translate to “The Colosseum” (the football oval behind the shelter sheds, the usual choice of venue for school fights).  While I was quick with smart ass retorts, I wasn’t so quick with my right hook. For some reason, the average bully was more interested in punching my face than entering a verbal jousting match in responding to my suggestion that they explore their inner feelings of abandonment and confusion over their sexuality, in a public forum.

Fortunately, being scrawny made me a relatively quick runner, which meant I always had a good escape plan when the school bully didn’t find my joke about his relatives living in the zoo particularly amusing.  Apart from keeping my big mouth shut, I learnt that there’s safety in cowardice (run and hide).

So when I recently stumbled across a Karate class of small kids in my local fitness centre, learning how to kick and punch their way out of bullying… or into it… I was somewhat dismayed.  It’s not so much that I don’t think kids should know how to beat up their parents, the elderly, or perhaps defend themselves, but knowing that if you need that sort of training, you’re probably going to get your ass kicked anyway.  Particularly if you start “believing in yourself” and your ability to unleash your “exploding fist.”

Now to clarify, the reason I was at a fitness centre was to soak in their urine infested pool, not to “work out.”  Glad we cleared that up.

Anyway, in the case of a Karate class, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with punching an imaginary enemy into oblivion.  People do it online in first person shooters all the time.  You get blown up, you respawn in 10 seconds, then you’re ready to be slaughtered again.  And that’s fine for people who can make a distinction between a highly trained fearsome fighting machine and the opposite of that, themselves.  I think Bruce Lee summed it up the best, “boards don’t hit back.”

You see, there comes a point when filling a person with so much confidence in their ability to take on your garden variety thug, that they surpass any realistic chance of assessing the likelihood that their feeble strength, lack of coordination or sheer luck might help.  It doesn’t really matter how convincing your horse stance and “Hiiiiiiiiiiiii YAA” might be, if a serious bully is going to beat you up, then standing your ground is more likely to put you in the next “one punch victim” scenario and to be perfectly honest, I’m sick of reading about this shit in the news.

Although I deplore violence, I do however think the Mixed Martial Arts machine might be on to something.  They actually put all their fighters inside a cage, which would be a sensational idea except for the fact that they let them out after the fight.  But even the recent hype over the bout with Rhonda Mousey tells us that even an “unstoppable” fighting machine will get their head smashed in by an opposition who notices your weakness.

In the few years I trained in Ju Jitsu, one of the important lessons I learnt was that the bigger they are, the harder they fall…. on you!  Yes, the “gentle art of giving way” can certainly send a burly boofhead to the ground, but if you get it wrong… you’re just a Tweety Bird who has pissed off an already very angry cat.  Here’s some advice for a budding martial artist. Don’t invite the cat into a cage with you… eat your fucking bird seed and live a long and pampered life.

Strength, power and weight always exceed a weaker persons ambition, no matter how quick or accurate your strike to the throat, eye ball or groin might be.  On the street, factor in concealed weapons and blood diseases into your risk assessment and you should come to the conclusion that confrontation is about as sensible as standing in front of a freight train and trying to stop it with positive thinking.  As the Karate kid said, “I learn to fight…*dumb pause*… so I don’t have to fight!”  Then he went and fought anyway, what a fucking idiot. Which brings me back to my point… over confidence in a weaker opponent does not work outside of Hollywood.  So please, if you plan on doing any ass kicking, do it in the virtual world.  Outside of that, just learn to run really fast.


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