Rowdy Ronny Sniper

Now what I’m about to say might offend people *fingers crossed*. So I’ll start with this disclaimer. I love animals. Take cows for example. I love the silly colours they come in, I like their cute vocal “moo,” I like the way they scare easily and I especially love the way they smell on a BBQ and that delicious taste in my mouth. I guess a lot of cute furry animals could come under the above description. However, recently I came across a “hunter” who preceded to tell me about his latest “kill.” Clearly, this guy was off his freaking rocker.

But before I go into that, a little background. I grew up in a household that had guns. As a kid, I liked the way they went bang and enjoyed shooting coke cans off country fences. I even went to the opening season of duck hunting, where I watched a bunch of drunken idiots shoot protected species with shotguns that spread pellets so far and wide, that even with their hung over sway, they could still pick birds off that were paddling in the river 50 metres away. Needless to say, I was a bit sceptical about the level of “skill” they had.

Which brings me back to the hunter, Rowdy Ronny Sniper. Now Rowdy wasn’t your average drunken duck hunter, he was the real deal. He had his green army fatigues, black make-up and he loved nothing more than to venture out into the woods and follow his prey for hours, even days until he could take it out with his high powered dick extension… I mean rifle. At first I was relieved that someone of such amazing Ramboness, was out there protecting society from vicious human killing animals.

“I shot a deer at a thousand yards after stalking it for 6 hours,” Rowdy said. “It took me another hour to reach it to confirm the kill.”

“Wow,” I replied. Sincerely. I said wow, because I thought, “wow, this guy is seriously bananas.”

But a deer? A deer is the threatening predator that needs to be taken down? How does someone confirm a “clean” and humane kill if it takes you an hour to get to an injured animal? Rowdy is a sick bastard!

Okay, back a step, I understand we have a problem with feral animals (he explained why this was an “eco kill.)” However, as a city slicker, I’m having trouble seeing past this macho bullshit to the point that I’m supposed to be impressed. I mean, okay, he knows how to use a rifle. But did he make the rifle with his own two hands. Did he whittle the barrel from an ancient gum tree and fabricate the trigger out of the tooth of a white pointer shark? Did he thread his camo fatigues from the hide of a polar bear that he strangled while swimming in Antarctic waters. Did the said Deer put up “one helluva fight and did it return fire with maximum force?” Well No. Apparently it just stared blankly at the foreigner in the distance. He used modern technology and an unfair advantage to kill something that posed no threat whatsoever. This guy wasn’t a fucking war hero, he is a bloody wanker! Fair enough if he wrestled a salt water crocodile, tied it up with a red belly snake, then made a handbag out of the pair… I’d give points for that. But take out a furry animal with a sniper rifle and then claim your a big man? Sorry, but that’s bullshit and pathetic. I told him I once squirted by neighbour in the back of the head with a super soaker from from 10 metres, but he didn’t seem impressed at my attempt to relate. So for some reason, Rowdy and I just didn’t bond. My loss I guess.

In an unusual move, however, local fauna who have traditionally been strong advocates of gun control, have now endorsed gun ownership. In this interview, I speak to Mr. Venison, spokesperson for the DRA (Deer Retaliation Association).
Puffetic reporting: Thank you for your time today, Mr Venison.
Deer: Call me Lambo, that’s who I’m known as round these parts… yeah.
Reporter: As you wish. Could you outline the DRA’s new stance on guns?
Deer: Can do. In the old days, guns… they weren’t… what’s the word? vible.. for guys like me in the…. you know… animal kingdom. But with new… Humans call it, techno-illogical developments and hoof triggers?… We now able to pack heat. The tables are much leveled now.
Reporter: You mean for defensive purposes?
Deer: Oh hell no, us Deer like hunting.
Reporter: For food?
Deer: Food? What planet you from man? I eat plants. We hunt for Sport. Oh.. and vengeance.
Reporter: Against whom?
Deer: Haha. You a funny man. Perhaps you couldn’t see the DRA’s latest memo. “Kill all Humans!”
Reporter: *Gulp*
Deer: Wait a minute… you’re a human.

So there you have it. Furry animals are out to kill you. Arm yourselves now. Take out the enemy before they take you.