What’s wrong with people?

Posted: June 24, 2015 in Whingevism
Tags: , , , , , , , ,


I know the title “What’s wrong with people” is a little bit vague, a little bit generic, but it’s a common theme and question to daily living. In fact, I’d like to see everyone do a piece on this topic, just so we can start a decent sized catalogue on the flaws of the human race. Now I’ve thought carefully about this, because I understand I needed to phrase this in a way that won’t offend anyone, in a way that won’t alienate my two followers (no, I’m not counting the Feds, who are tracking my every movement). So here it is… people are shit. I know, I know, that means I’m shit, you’re shit, that guy that just saved the kitty from the tree, yep, he’s especially shit. Now it’s not that I’ve lost faith in humanity, it’s just that I never had any in the first place.

But the person that receives the gong this week, is my neighbour. Let’s call him Dorothy, to protect his identity. Now Dorothy does a lot of things that irritate me. He doesn’t mean to be an idiot, it’s just that he’s old, senile and no longer a productive member of society. Any ways, last week, he put an old broken garden table, with three chairs on the front nature strip, which happens to adjoin my property. He placed it right on the border, so it’s not exactly clear which resident installed this breathtaking eyesore.

Now I know what you’re thinking. What a nice idea to set up a garden table on the street. What better way to encourage hateful neighbours to have a yarn, share their tales of woe and bond like good neighbours should. If that’s what you think, I urge you once again, please give up crack now. It’s highly addictive and is doing you damage.

So on this lovely broken table, decorated with a nice white sheen of pigeon poo, with sharp splinters of rotting treated pine and a healthy nest of red back spiders, is a humble sign. Can you guess what this sign reads?

“FREE !!!”

Okay, I understand that there are some societies which charge people for garbage. No, not for collection or disposal, but actual sales apparently. I don’t pretend to understand the concept, but I’ve heard of things like “Trash and Treasure,” where people sell junk to hoarders and that’s fine. So long as they keep their fetishes and mental health issues to themselves, then I’m happy to pay my 2 cents in taxes when they are admitted to the loony bin. Better that than the redundant postal worker who just goes bang and takes out my whole family. But the thing about these trash and treasure meetings is that they don’t normally take place on my front lawn, like an oversized under digested dog turd, that is wafting a scent through my front door like a breeze from a nuclear winter.

So Dorothy watches me pull up in my car after another shitful day in traffic and dealing with psycho’s who think the customer is always right and he points to his festering dog turd on my lawn. “Do you need a garden table and chairs?”

I stood for a moment, as I considered his innocent idiocy. I pictured myself plunging a blunt object through his failing heart. What to say, what to say. Hmmm. So let me get this straight, a piece of garbage, that is unfit for his household, is so wrecked that it will no longer accommodate his adult diapered ass, would be a desirable object for my household? The fact that it has sat on a busy street for over a week, without even a troubled teen so much as wanting urinate on it, even less tag it with graffiti. But this awful display of broken architecture, should somehow provide the perfect centre piece for my back yard. Have you completely lost your fucking mind!?! So I politely said “No thanks” to Dorothy and wished him a good evening.

I admit it isn’t easy being a neighbour as wonderful as myself. But even idiots need to start somewhere. So Dorothy, if you ever get to read this post, I urge you and others like you to consider this… if you have to leave an item at the front of your property with the word “free” attached, please be clear that actually, it’s “rubbish,” and if you keep doing so, then one day your friendly neighbour might just need to take out the trash.

  1. twaldron2014 says:

    OK, I agree. We all should do a piece on “what’s wrong with people.” Seems like I have one of those “What the fuck? moments with the people around me almost daily. It might be hard to pick just one. I laughed out loud at your descriptions of your neighbor.

    • Puffetic says:

      Yeah that is definitely a problem, it’s impossible to go more than 15 minutes without a What The Fuck moment these days. I blame it on society. I thought maybe it was my impossibly high standards… but I haven’t showered in a week, so they can’t be that high.

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