Feats of endurance – the Super Humans

Posted: May 30, 2015 in Society Against Recognising Achievements
Tags: , , , , ,

There’s no such thing as a “Super Human.” Well… there are super annoying humans, super stupid humans, but when you put it into the Marvel Comics domain, it’s just fiction.

Okay, so occasionally we see a story about how this guy called “Steve” lifts a 2 tonne car off his accident prone Grandma because he didn’t want to collect the inheritance early… and how a team of oxen couldn’t lift the same car two days later. BUT, Steve is going to have back problems for the rest of his life… and his Grandma hadn’t just been losing her marbles, she had also been spending a lot of time down at the casino. By the time Ole’ Grandma is sent to greener pastures, Steve’s inheritance was blown in her 1000 dollar a week gambling addiction, mixed with her expensive meds for arthritis, emphysema, high blood pressure and “very fit gardening contractors.” So Steve isn’t getting a red cent for his trouble and his initial claim to Super Human has now degraded to: poor judge of character.

But it’s not the good guy I’m going after here, it’s the self appointed Super Humans. Frankly, I’m getting sick of hearing about some hero that is the “first guy to pedal a unicycle over Mount Everest during an earthquake.” Sure, he’s raising money for some important charity called “Ammunition International,” (supplying bullets and weapons to remote and disadvantaged communities who could otherwise not afford to use firearms) but he’s not great, he’s an idiot! Yes yes, riding a unicycle, what a great feat of endurance, how inspiring. What do you mean he had a Sherpa carry his stuff???

There’s the people who chase records flying planes, people who sail around the world. Aren’t they just magnificent? Were these craft made out of only materials that they could find on a desert island, held together with dental floss? Nooooooo, they were the finest materials, construction methods and designs that someone else’s money could buy. Did they suffer great personal injuries? Well, they weren’t exactly a prisoner on the Kokoda trail. Perhaps their extreme journey was treacherous? Let’s be honest, you and I take more risks crossing a busy road during rush hour, than these people take in their entire epic quests to achieve greatness. With greatness comes responsib….ahhh.. self-promotion.

So who are these Super Humans? What makes them tick? What sort of people want to walk 10,000 kilometres, sail solo around the world, ride a bike around a country, kayak across the most gnarly ocean on Mars? According to our newspapers, they are simply un-showered inspirational heroes. Sure some of them raise some money for charities along the way, but really, these are simply acts of selfishness. Let me explain.

Dead Bull Inc Sponorship Guy: “Tell you what, if you quit your shitty dead end job, plan some ridiculous trip involving your favourite recreational activity, one that no one in their right mind would attempt, we’ll sponsor you. What do you say?”

You: “Well gee, my boss is such a ball breaking mother of shitness, maybe I’ll just keep my low paying day job a bit longer, on the off chance that some space junk falls out of orbit and lands squarely on my bosses annoying oversized ugly head, squeezing it through that damn cake hole of his from which he keeps barking orders at me.” More likely, the response would be, “Let’s roll !”

These Super Humans spend months or even years travelling the world, living off the good will of people who don’t know better, seeing the sights and being revered by “average citizens” who think, “I could never do that!” Which is of course nonsense. They’re a human, just like you or me… well maybe not like me. Once they complete their “journey” and the book deals, media appearances then time reflecting on why they can’t fit into society is over, they simply have a Yoda moment claiming the “journey” is actually a life long voyage of discovery and drug induced psychosis. So they set off and do the same thing all over again when the appearance fees run out.

In reality, these people are driven by a stubborn thirst for monotony. You see, acts of endurance aren’t as impressive as you might realise, in fact you’ve probably experienced it yourself and not even realised. It’s kind of like when you are dead tired and you have a dream at your desk while your eyes are wide open. In your case, minutes may pass. In the Super Human’s case, hours, days, even weeks pass. It’s not because they have a special gift, or “mental toughness,” it’s simply that they’re so stoned on their own magnificence, they simply forget that their brains and bodies can be used for more than “putting one foot in front of the other”… repeat. Basically, their brain shuts down and everything they do is explained as muscle memory. They become a simple organism that doesn’t really know what they are doing or why they exist. They could even unwittingly and happily walk into an active volcano. Why? “Because it was there!” It’s only when they run into another person, usually a reporter or a mugger, that they suddenly snap out of their self-induced coma and commence telling their inspiring story of great hardship, overcoming the extraordinary odds and proving that the human spirit has no bounds… and if you want to help sponsor their feat of inspiration, simply deposit “whatever you can” in to their bank account. Of course, the only odds that they had to overcome, were the extreme likelihood that a hater might assassinate them. But anyone can draw that kind of hatred, just ask any blogger.

Now I know what you’re thinking, what does a failed marathoner, now couch potato, really know about feats of human resilience and determination? Well, have you ever tried sitting in front of free to air television for days on end? Now THAT takes real super human commitment. Endless amounts of advertisements, poor quality programming, constant re-runs, actors that have long since died from hideous diseases that you are yet to experience. Only a super human could have such a fantastic commitment to monotony. In comparison, circumnavigating the world on say, ice skates, would hardly be a challenging task for someone that is accustomed to the vigours of day time television.

No, the real super humans out there are the ones that make the responsible decision NOT to flaunt their obvious magnificence. It’s the people that get up day after day to go to the same job, eat the same boring sandwich, yet still take time out of their busy day to criticise the hell out of individuals who choose feats of stupidity with tiresome quests of self promotion. 

  1. Brittany says:

    AMEN. To the max.

  2. twaldron2014 says:

    Totally agree. Last paragraph says it all.

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