Toys – a right, not a privilege

Posted: April 24, 2015 in Human Disinterest
Tags: , , , , , , ,

As a parent, I have a perfect excuse to have a collection of toys that are inappropriate for my age. When I enter a toy store, nothing is off limits. Well, perhaps with the exception of the Barbie section. I’m just not that into dolls… even Action Man whom I’m told on good advice is awesome, well, I just never liked role playing characters that surpass my own reality in every conceivable way. It’s not that I couldn’t be a man of action, it’s just that modern society doesn’t require me to get off the couch. Frankly, Action Man sounds like a bit of a show off. Kind of like Justin Beeper, but not as fake.

The thing is, despite being a parent, I don’t really need that as an excuse to have toys. You see the unfairness of my childhood left me psychologically scarred. At five years of age, my parents offered to make an all too infrequent purchase in a toy store. Realising the opportunity, I naturally requested one of everything.

As if to provoke me, the response I received was “You can only have one.”

Undeterred by their unreasonable proposal, I clarified my position, “No, I want them,” as I pointed to a whole shelf of matchbox cars.

For some pointless reason which I can only put down to my parents sick and twisted sense of humour, I subsequently got nothing. I didn’t find it the slightest bit amusing. So I carried this injustice through into my adulthood vowing that never again would I deny my inner child, even if that meant being an outer child, even if that meant purchasing inferior toys that were made in China.

More recently, during one of my searches for the ultimate toy, I found myself in a discussion with a “Remote Control Aircraft Pilot” or “Aircraft Enthusiast” (nut job) who claimed that his model plane was most certainly “NOT A TOY!” I decided to investigate this ludicrous claim by running a quick survey.

To be scientific, I checked my definitions. Toy: an object, often a small representation of something familiar, for children or others to play with.

I asked my child if they would also like to play with the said aircraft. I received a resounding nod that indicated, that yes, they would indeed like to investigate this miniature object on a much more personal level.

So does it qualify as toy? 1. A kid would like to play with it. Check item one.

On to item 2. The aircraft is a miniature version of something familiar. Check item two.

So beyond all reasonable doubts, we have a toy. But the 70 year old, I’ll call him Mr. Killfun, went on…“Oh, it’s far too dangerous for a child to operate. It takes a lot of practise, I’ve lost a few models along the way. It’s all about knowledge, skill and experience in this sport.”

Sport? Why does everyone call everything a sport these days? And who said I would let my child have a turn (I would). Being in his seventies, or maybe he was undead, it was apparent that this “Pilot,” Captain Killfun, shared that same sick and twisted senile humour exhibited by my parents. He suggested that I would be foolish to exercise a childish “must have now” desire and try the hobby without professional guidance by someone of his sound experience. His offer was simple, he would happily “test any new aircraft” to ensure its airworthiness!

What??? I buy a new toy… and before I get a chance to play with it, I hand it to a complete stranger? Now kids, if I’ve learnt anything about sharing toys and I haven’t, because I don’t do it… it’s that sharing isn’t as fun as hogging the toy all to your greedy little self. Aside from that, old fossils with dementia don’t make much sense and aren’t worth listening to unless there is a slight possibility you might gain some inheritance from them.

I questioned the Captain Killfun further. “So when you say you ‘lost a few,’ you mean you crashed and busted them up?”

“Well my young chap, you see I have flown in difficult conditions, I’ve had some component failures that resulted in some unforseen mishaps. Back in the day, our radio gear also had its quirks!”

Back in the day? I’m guessing he meant when dinosaurs roamed the earth. So I decided to delve into his toy pilot’s credentials. When I asked if he had a licence to operate this non toy, the answer was “There’s no licencing system as such, though most reputable clubs require you to earn your ‘wings.” Of course, we ARE subject to regulations outlined by the Aviation Authority.”

Wings? I don’t need wings when I’ve got a wallet! But no surprises there, rule books always come out as the last resort to kill off any intention of fun. “So anyone can buy and operate a remote control plane like this one here?”

“Well, yes, however a good vendor would arrange lessons… and I would strongly suggest joining a club like mine…. there are warnings…”

Then all I heard was “blah blah blah,” as I imagined myself owning the said toy and becoming a Toy Top Gun Pilot. Captain Puffetic…. it has a nice ring to it don’t you think?

“This is your Captain Puffetic speaking. I have relieved Captain Killfun of his command as he was far too boring and sensible. I hope you watched the emergency procedures, because it’s destination Crashville thrill seekers! Thank you again for flying Spectacularly Exciting Airlines, we will officially welcome you to the S.E.A. in a few short moments.”


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