Archive for May, 2014

Give an old car a home.

Posted: May 23, 2014 in Old Car Reviews
Tags: ,

lemon subaru
There’s nothing quite like the smell of an old new car. It’s that strange odour that you can’t quite put your finger on. It reminds you of something, but you’re not sure what. You try to articulate it, but there’s just no way of conveying the smell of a rotting corpse holding a month old egg sandwich while smoking a Cuban cigar inside an air tight container fitted with upholstery that has absorbed the stench of an animal shelter. Long gone is that special euphoria inducing scent of brand new. In its place is the stale stench of a thousand prior owners who left their DNA, paw prints and unsanitary behaviour over every conceivable inch of the vehicle.
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nicecar

“I’m a good driver”. It’s a commonly held belief amongst motorists. In fact to many people, this is not just a notion, it is a fully fledged conviction. If we were to run a survey asking driver’s to assess their own ability, I suspect we will find out what we already know to be true, we are all the best drivers in the world.
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Dear Dr. Puffetic,

I took me 5 year old son to a football match the other day and we got to hang with some of our favourite players after the game, which was kinda awesome. But the players didn’t wanna sign autographs and pretty much ignored us both as they smiled for shots with media guys. My boy was pretty upset. He won’t even wear our team’s jersey no more. What do ya reckon I should do?

Regards,
Super Spectator

Dear SS,

Your son has learnt an important lesson about idolizing people who make a negligible contribution to society and his refusal to wear a team jersey should be applauded. He obviously has maturity beyond his years and is developing a robust personality.

Unfortunately, I am much more concerned as to your condition SS, as it appears you have contracted Lazynessistic Boganitis. This condition normally manifests itself in behavior you described. Sufferers will often develop a need to “spectate” at various sports rather than participate in any form of physical activities themselves, often leading to a poor state of physical health, obesity and mental regression. Usually the more extreme cases can be easily identified when the infected individual professes to have an expert knowledge in the strategies of the contest, without having any direct experience in competing. Researchers have also found that sufferers usually develop such an overwhelming interest in on-field players, to the point that they achieve a degree of sexual fulfillment as they watch players run around in body hugging suits and shorts. This confusion about their own sexuality often leads to feelings of guilt and a reluctance to discuss their issue with others. In more serious cases, sufferers have uncontrollable urges to perform illegal behavior such as the after match stalking that you describe.

Frequently, victims will develop such an overwhelming fanaticism for following their chosen “team,” that they will overlook the fact that they have no bearing whatsoever on the outcome of a contest, to the point that they see a “victory” as their own personal achievement. This of course couldn’t be further from the truth. More importantly, as these victories have no consequence in the real world, they simply serve to alienate sufferers such as yourself from more important pursuits such as getting a life and setting a good example for your offspring.

At this advanced stage of your illness, the best advice I can provide is for you to reconnect with your son and provide some more wholesome activities that don’t involve watching performance enhanced substance abusing men run around in shorts that strangulate their testicles as they attempt to role play events from the era of the cave man.

Yours knowingly,
Dr. Puffetic

Money hog
Does that “Earn money from home” heading really still grab people’s attention? I always figured it had about the same impact as an advertisement for receiving vast riches from the King of Nigeria (hopefully enough lucky people have claimed his wealth by now).

Now I don’t mean to offend any of you bloggers out there, you beautiful people you, especially the entrepreneurs who get credits for referring people to online businesses that make income by selling “the way” to people who need a more reliable path to promised riches than a lotto ticket. Actually, offend is exactly what I want to do, but being the polite natured people lover I am, I’ll just give you a respectful toothy grin (that’s a fake smile BTW). YES, I think it’s wrong to pretend to be interested in another person’s blog, just because you want to sell them something.

I mean, as an unpopular blogger, my ego is already deflated more than a tyre on my cobweb riddled “exercise” bike. Consequently, when I get a “like” or a “follow,” I immediately check out the person’s blog to get some more information on my new audience (which is now two people; hope you’re both enjoying this post!). Any who, I can’t help but feel some bloggers are cheapening the experience by saying, “I like you, but for a small fee, would you care to join my religion so you can prevent your descent into the fiery pits of hell or at least become a much better human by increasing your wealth and ability to consume more resources to speed up the rapid decay of our planet.”

Well, reality cheque. Humans are naturally crap. The last thing we need is even more “empowerment.” Just watch the news. Actually, no, don’t, it will depress the hell out of you. But you see, any “improvement,” or “life coaching” is really just like dressing up a Chihuahua in a pink ballerina costume. Sure you’re covering up some of its ugliness, but ultimately, you’ve still got a very very horrible creature that’s really just consuming valuable oxygen and adding excrement to an already overflowing sewage network (assuming you don’t just leave it in a park for people to step on).

Okay, I’m veering onto irresponsible pet ownership now. Sorry, I get easily distracted with my whingevism posts.

So back to business… working from home. How does that work exactly? I mean, how can you possibly get into the right mindset when inside your “home office,” where you have free internet, a big screen TV, movies, a beer fridge, a PlayStation packed with your favourite games and a comfy lounge suite complete with your very own ass groove?

Even in a “proper” office (the one with little cubicles, a sense of despair and stench of defeat), I struggle to be productive. In fact, if I didn’t spend so much time replying to my boss, giving them excuses for my poor performance and why they shouldn’t fire me, I wouldn’t be productive at all. But working from home… my first item of business is to not conduct any business at all, so long as I get paid handsomely for it. Sounds crazy right?!? IT IS CRAZY, DON’T BE SO GULLABLE.

Yes yes, I know. I’m a lazy unmotivated failure who sets a bad example and is a constant drain on society. But despite this, they still fail to see me as a suitable candidate for President? Don’t worry, I don’t get it either.

Anyway, if I was making a point, hopefully I’ve made it by now. Thank you so much for reading, you’re a real trooper. If you’ve got any sales brochures, particularly on “making money fast” or “becoming a better me,” please blog them over, I’ll read anything if you’ll be my blog buddy.