Archive for January, 2014

1.  Have a BBQ and invite some friends over.  If you supply the food, your mates will undoubtedly bring some beers, usually in the form of six packs.

2. Check your kitchen cupboards, food and beer fridges.  You will often have unopened stubbies lying around the house and man cave.  Find them, group them into six.

3. Sit on a street corner, strategically close to a bottle shop.  Place a sign around your neck “Help! Need six pack. Very thirsty!”  Be prepared to knock back offers of non-beer related products.  Also be prepared to sprint from local by-laws enforcement officers.

4. Ask your partner for assistance.  “Oh darling, oh bringer of beer, a six-pack would be really swell.  Could you hook me up?”

5. Go to the shop.  Buy a six-pack of your favourite brew.

Care Factor Zero

Care Factor Zero

(Plus, if your job is really shit, a bonus 8 ways at no extra cost).

1. Don’t look for another job
Finding a better job is a big misnomer for people who hate their jobs, simply because all jobs place your free time in serious jeopardy. Remember, it is a completely natural and normal experience to hate your job. In fact, if you don’t develop a hatred for your job, there’s probably something seriously wrong with your priorities or mental state of mind.
Oh and there’s no such thing as a “career.” That term was just written for students who wasted years of their life studying for something that turned out to be a big mistake, but then they had invested too much time to back out. Oh and if you come across anyone that says, “I love my job,” tell them to “SHUT THE HELL UP!”

2. Be angry
You shouldn’t bottle things up. People that do that just get more and more wound up until they eventually snap and then end up on the evening news. If you release your anger in the office, by the end of the day, you will be as calm as a cucumber, ready for your afternoon nap.

3. Work in an office? Turn up the ring volume on your handset.
A noisy working environment is annoying… UNLESS… you are the one creating the noise! Due to the popularity of open planned offices, turning your ring volume up to the max will do the trick. If you work outside an office, consider using other items such as power tools unnecessarily or radios on full volume. Also, speak LOUDLY! If anyone complains, just say “WHAT?” Then tell them you’re very sensitive about your hearing problem.

4. Ride or jog to work
I know, I know, this sounds counterproductive and I’m the last one to encourage physical fitness. But body odour is a relatively under rated commodity when one is trying to avoid enquiries from pesky managers and co-workers. Don’t worry, you’ll quickly become accustomed to your own stench. Keep annoying people at a distance, go skunk!

5. Raise your eyebrows to every question
People will second guess themselves when you use this type of body language to your advantage. Always give them the impression that they have asked a stupid question and are wasting your time.

6. Don’t be yourself
Approach your job, your role, as any Hollywood actor. They don’t have any real skills, generally do a bad job, they’re certainly not saving the world, but people love them for it. Hooray for Hollywood. There are huge rewards for being a fake. Don’t think of yourself as a movie “extra” in your job, but as a brooding rebellious imposing ogre who is the star of the show. If you prefer to work behind the scenes, try Director of Sabotage.

7. Be mysterious
The less other staff know about what your job entails, the less likely they will be able to ascertain that you are goofing off. The art of looking busy whilst being lazy is an art worth pursuing, particularly in larger organisations that are more concerned with bureaucracy and statistics than actual productivity.

8. File an employee harassment claim
Today’s Occupational Health and Safety laws can be used to trigger lengthy time wasting investigations against staff that caused you “mental anguish.” It will also be helpful if you can find a decent quack to write you a long term medical certificate.

9. Remember to laugh
Stupid people are funny. Watch your co-workers. Laugh at them, especially at their misfortunes, even more so if you created those misfortunes. It’s terrible if you’re a victim of office wars, so don’t be a victim.

10. Make a game of it
Then break that record. One of the best activities, is the blame game. It involves looking for errors that are not yours, or at least cannot be attributed to you, then making sure they are pointed out publicly to the employee responsible. Give yourself an extra 1000 points if the target staff member takes stress leave. Delete 500 points if you have to take over some of that staff member’s role. Add 500 points if you get a salary raise as a result of the “extra responsibilities” that you will shirk.

11. Don’t look on the bright side
Don’t confuse a “positive attitude” with a positive action. You don’t win office wars with warm fuzzy feelings. “Bright siders” are out of touch with reality and are often brown nosers whose only real future will involve getting screwed over. Nobody likes a brown noser, don’t lower yourself. Stand tall and learn to love the power of the dark side.

12. Know your procedures
Be a stickler for detail in others (not yourself). Lawyers are annoying because they use loopholes in mind numbing piles of documentation that most people couldn’t be bothered reading. Use your corporate “laws” to irritate other staff and bind them in red tape. Eventually, they know that approaching you will be so difficult, that they are better off working it out for themselves and leave you in peace.

13. Don’t create work for yourself
Be careful when pointing out deficiencies in company policy and other people’s work practices, as you don’t want to be responsible for writing new ones (unless you want to orchestrate the creation of new, more evil policy documents). Instead, focus on pointing out deficiencies in other employee personalities. Be sure to point out that you are actually perfect and that staff should consider modeling your exemplary lead.

14. Surfing the net
In order to make most efficient use of your time, you’re going to need to do a lot of surfing. Because most organisations now monitor network usage, it is preferable to “borrow” another staff member’s mobile device and surf from the company WiFi under their credentials.

15. Read eBooks
Sometimes surfing the net is “a bit obvious” when other people can see your screen. In these instances, it is best to bring in your favourite eBooks in to work and read. Textual documents (you will refer to it as an “Operational Manual”) generally fall under the radar and give you hours of “me time” while looking incredibly involved with your work.

16. Dealing with stress
This is largely related to employees that care about what they are doing. Reset your care factor gauge to zero. Stress is something you pass on to others, not something you would personally suffer.

17. Job networking & Team building
Don’t do it! If you have to do it, use sabotage. Working relationships do not require an underlying friendship. Understand that people at work are not your friends, they are your enemies. The only time there could be any possible reason to develop an alliance is if you intend on organising industrial action.

18. Industrial action
Is a great way of goofing off. Just make sure your action is “protected.” Rather than going all out for a stop work action (which results in a loss of pay), consider using “bans” which reduce your already low productivity.

This year, it is my resolution to be not so shit.

The Red Baron

Posted: January 9, 2014 in Murray Marathon 2010
The Red Baron (Prijon T505)

The Red Baron (Prijon T505)

Skinny Dave & Barkly the Blunder Dog

Skinny Dave & Barkly the Blunder Dog

Ladies and Gentlemen, distinguished guests, my fellow citizens. I thank you all for coming tonight, so that I can explain to you my vision for the future. By the end of tonight, I’m sure you will be left with no doubt that a vote for me will be of great consequence to myself.

Looking at my opponents currently in office, I can see that there are several things… qualities if you will… that you, the voters look for when selecting a leader. I don’t pretend to deliberately represent any constituent’s views, I am human, and look out for number 1 and those important to me. If by chance our views are aligned, then you will be sure to benefit from other people’s sacrifices. For example my view on a salary is simple, I am willing to except a large tax payer funded salary in exchange for generously lending a deaf ear to your never ending concerns. So why would I pretend to listen to you, when so many other politicians refuse? Common courtesy! I understand that you don’t expect anything to change, but I also understand that you require a central whinging point. Let me be that whinging post for you all.

So yes, honesty, is the first quality I possess, and this is a quality that can only be matched by the standard of my lies.

But I am a complex person, and I wouldn’t be content with just offering you the truth, I also give you my undertaking to be responsive. I will change with the times. If there is a crisis endangering my leadership, then I will act immediately to distance myself from it’s cause, and protect the status quo. If things are looking grim for our economy, I won’t wait for endless “reports” that take years for bureaucrats to produce. I will take immediate and decisive action on the best way to handle any situation. If that means making rash decisions on insufficient information, then I’m your man!

It is an all too common occurrence to see my peers being exposed for carrying out dodgy deals with shady characters, and then being exposed by the palms that were not adequately greased. My peers lack of attention to detail further illustrates their inability to lead this society. I swear to use my conniving nature to refrain from conducting any such dodgy business above board. Any dirty deals or kickbacks will be concealed from the public eye, and I promise to make sure any whistleblower either has a well greased palm, or is permanently gagged. This is your assurance that you will never be embarrassed by any questionable deeds.

I am a yes man, I tell people what they want to hear. I will always seek to encourage those that like the sound of their own voices, to speak until their heart is content. My absence in any discussion forum is evidence of the serious mind I take in maintaining a focus on what I know is fair and just.

When making promises, I can guarantee that they will be vague, and leave sufficient scope and scapegoats to back pedal, should the need arise, thus never calling into question my integrity. You will be able to look up to my office and know that the image I exude is fitting of a superior that represents what makes our country great. For I love this country and all it has to offer and as a person generally ready to take up good offers, I am ready for more of them.

So if there is any doubt in your mind, then it is surely misguided and ill informed. I am your man. A vote for me, is a vote for my future, and your future piece of mindlessness.

Thank you all.

Awards are given out like candy these days and it’s time to put a stop to it.

Words like “Extraordinary”, “Outstanding”, “Most Improved”, “Best and Fairest” are just tired labels for nerds, fluke artists, people with too much time on their hands and people in the right place at the right time. Many of these labels and awards are things that we had to invent to make high achievers feel important. In reality, “achievements” are tokens dished out by groups and organisations that can’t afford to pay cash settlements for idiots that did more than they should have. These people cause problems for the rest of society, who have worked damn hard to ensure a low level of expectation. People who accept awards like an over excited dictator test firing long range missiles, need to get over themselves.

We don’t need leaders, we don’t need heroes, we don’t want anyone to look up to, just do your damned job, mind your manners, and pay your friggin’ taxes like everyone else. If you think you are particularly good at something, show some restraint and leave your over inflated ego in the bloody closet where it belongs.

If you still want recognition, go and jump off the highest building you can find, then a few of your friends and family will throw you a funeral, toast your death, then get back to living our more important lives.

So in conclusion, if you made a significant achievement, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. We don’t care.

The award nominations are…..

… just an exercise in nurturing people’s egos

There’s a boat in the water, it’s a dodgy ship
Not as stable as a waiter in a garbage tip
It’s going to the bottom of the lake real quick

The kayak we call Ship Creak

Looks sleek as speed, manoeveurs like a tug
They paddle like mad and move like a slug
Visions of stardom, brought on by a drug

Last over the line is Ship Creak

Paint sparkles in sunlight, a bogey green
The golden stripes, out of place in between
Cruising down the river, a sight obscene

Look away now, it’s Ship Creak

Last off the line does it know it’s a race?
It weaves down the river in a hopeless chase
Still going after dark, what a disgrace

What’s the point of Ship Creak

With a crack of the hull it’s in the drink
It sprung a leak, it’s about to sink
Goodbye Ship Creak, quicker than you think

The legend of the deep, Ship Creak.

The Poem That Hates Poems

Posted: January 9, 2014 in Poets Toilet

Connected words haunting
Meanings unknown
Endless claims of intellect unseen

Interpretation is everywhere
Understanding based on preference
Only self indulgence to share

Anti poets hear the call tonight
Harness your strength and unite

The literary genius’ are leaving sentences in ruin
Let’s make them clear, not leave them strew hen

Steal their pens in the darkness of night
Destroy their creations with all your might

I’m sure we could understand
If you just get to the point man

Nervous and sweating
I stand alone on the stage
My voice echoes through deaf eyes

Screaming fills no dome
A hoarse that draws no carriage

I would ask you to be silent
So that you could join me in this moment
To give thanks for your wisdom

Anti poets hear the call tonight
harness your strength and unite

I long for those beautiful sentences
That caressed my ears with their simplicity
So meaningful, so accessible to the masses
Forever lost in ambiguity and buried in art